How I Became The Sea

The green-blue was summer holidays,
Days at the beach spent uncomfortably scratching at too-tight swimsuits
An embarrassing pink that stretched uncomfortably
I picked at the sand on my legs, brushed them off my knees
They made indents on their hands
To remind me they were there.

The foam was the time we had held hands and made a line,
Deeper in water we leant our heads back and felt the tide come in
Waves pushing us back
Dragging us forward into the current
A small foray into a life of dangerous living
Of toeing the line again, when we got back to school.

The seaweed floating beneath the current was my hair
Pooling around me like a mermaid of a shipwreck so long ago-
When I was child I thought all victims
Sunk to the bottom of the sea, would become part of it
(The Sea merely desired company)
They would resurrect Atlantis and sing songs

Until the water was full of them, until every crook in the back of
Their brains was a trickle, a spillet of splashing water
There would be blackness, and they too would become mermaids
Or water, swirling current
They would not die, no- they would be 
Infinite.

But when the Sea took you too, sent its invitation by a courier
REGISTERED POSTAGE, tucked it in the folds of Death's black cloak-
I could not tell myself the stories my mother told me
I could not imagine Atlantis in the grandeur of white stone
Of white marble and Corinthian columns-
Only the white face of your tomb.

Of your eyes, your eyes that would become hollow in the earth
Or in the fire, as your parents would have preferred-
It is of your eyes that I see standing on our cliff
Thinking of how you became the sea
And how, because you carry my heart with yours
I have become it, also.

Now Playing: Elevator Love Letter, Stars. (Heart) 

Now Playing: Flaws, Bastille. (Bad Blood- Extended Cut)

I don't even know whether you read this site anymore (I don't blame you as I hardly ever update), but some nights I just feel especially grateful for you. Right now it's past 2 and I really need to sleep soon but I'm listening to the Bastille album that you've acquired and I'm just feeling very thankful for you. I am glad to find someone whose soul is made of the same stuff as I, not entirely- for differences are still so very interesting. I am glad to find someone who understands and loves words in the same way that I do, so when I speak of you in grandiose terms and imagery you won't have to ask me to translate. I am glad to find someone who can teach me things about History and the progression of the Great Wars. I am glad to find someone who is as amused by dynamic duos, British Humor and sarcasm as much as I am. I am glad to find someone who is okay with taking me to bookstores and letting me gasp and point at things like an excited kid in a sweetshop. :') Life is good.

When all of your flaws and all of my flaws are laid out one by one// A wonderful part of the mess that we made// We pick ourselves undone

; 

Now playing: Little Talks, Of Monsters and Men (Julia Sheer ft. Jon D. Cover)

Hello friends, just thought I'd update this space considering the fact some stuff has changed. Instead of bumming around for the remainder of my holiday as I've so carelessly justified in my previous post, I've actually got a job now! I'm not contributing directly to the Singaporean economy, I'm actually in the civil service. In fact, I'm teaching at my alma mater :') Hello respectable profession!! A huge thank you to everyone who's helped me get this job, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I really appreciate it. It's sort of a good prelude to what I should expect in the future. I know that relief teaching isn't exactly the most accurate representation of teaching, you don't have to deal with things like CCAs and your March/June/December holidays are actually holidays... but I've had the opportunity to speak to many of the full-time teachers I work with so that's been awesome in helping me understand what I'm getting myself into. Kind of strange returning to school and looking at the girls wandering around in their pinafores and having them GREET YOU, that's the weirdest bit. There's a small hint of nostalgia every time I get out of the car in the morning, then I have to immediately reconcile that with the weirdness of tapping into the General Office to sign in and the staffroom later on.

The thing I've realized so far is really the fact that a lot goes into preparing a lesson. I know, I know, it's cliched and it's the sort of thing that we've been told by teachers for ages... but it's pretty different seeing it from this side of the fence. It's not just about the Powerpoint, it's about making decisions on the spot about how you want to approach the lesson and answer the questions. Some questions will stump you. Some questions will force you to admit that you don't know all the answers- is this bit tested? I'm not sure. That's a pretty hard thing to say, actually, you feel like your credibility really drains. I'm getting used to that intellectual humility bit, heh. Also it's really odd when you teach 3 classes of the same subject and go in and repeat the same lesson 3 times a week. It's like Groundhog day, or as the teacher I'm relieving/shadowing put it- an absurdist play you repeat over and over again. He's a pretty cool guy- theatre kids for the win.

So he asked me what A'level texts I did and I said one of them was Richard III (nobody really recognizes the texts from our Women in Lit paper, surprise surprise), so he told me to check out Looking for Richard (1996) with Al Pachino, which turned out to be super interesting. Yes, I know, an English teacher using "super interesting". My vocabulary is still falling, by the way, from the months of brain rot before I actually got this job. It's from an actor's perspective exploring the significance/relevance of Shakespeare, basically tracing his influence on our modern popular culture, Literature and art, among other things... performing selected scenes from Richard III. So far, I've been convinced that Al Pachino and Ian McKellen have got the best Richards. I especially liked the Ian McKellen one, because he was really charismatic and had that dark, complex side of villain that really brought Richard to life. Anyway, I'm really glad I've gotten the opportunity to work with him (the teacher I am relieving/shadowing) because he's hilarious and can relate to all the theatre stuff, since he did TSD in university. The really awesome thing is that he was taught by Mr Lyon, once upon a time, so there's a little bit of shared history there.

The thing I will NEVER get used to about this teaching thing is the calling your teachers by their first names. I sort of mumbled it through with the formal courtesy titles for the first couple of days, until one of the teachers in my department told me to call her by her first name because "you're one of us now." Come to think of it, they're pretty cool people. In class your crippling fear of being graded terribly and then complained about to your overbearing parents might deter you from getting to know them better and see their fun side, but it's a completely different story when you're a colleague. Or maybe teachers are just teachers, in the same way that parents are parents, and you very rarely cross that invisible line that lets you become "friendly" with them when you're a student. When you graduate you can come back to visit, being cool and everything, but they'll always be a teacher to you. Which is why it's weird since I've accelerated the student -> alumni -> colleague barrier pretty fast. That being said the older (or those who have existed longer in school) teachers are incredibly nice to the relief teachers/new kids on the block. Almost everyone says good morning and smiles in hallways despite the fact that I'm in a different department/have never spoken to them before. That's just... well quite lovely actually. I'm not sure if it's just my school or if it's a general thing but I really like it.

I suppose teachers are inherently good people. It's a tiring job- you have to be driven by quite a fair bit of passion to stay on for as long as some people do. Marking is killer, planning events and coordinating things with students or parents who often over-estimate your efficiency and ability. Decades and decades. Like that conversation I had with a taxi driver on the way home two nights ago- "Teachers are good people. They love children, so they must be good people." It's a pretty simple take on things, but I think he put it very nicely. Quite frankly, my respect for many of these individuals that I've worked with has risen over the past couple of days. I still have quite a bit more till the end of term, and I know for sure that I'm going to be EXTREMELY SAD when all of this is over.

The other thing that's really awesome is the fact that they're a handful of people from my batch in JC teaching here also. "Young old girls", as one of the full-time teachers put it. So we share food, trade stories and swap encouragement when marking gets too overwhelming. I shifted upstairs to the staffroom with more empty tables so I could sit near my friends, and the teachers near us are just the warmest people. They're really chatty so inbetween lessons and marking I know I can just walk over and have a conversation. Or get some advice- do I need to go for assembly? Etc. It's really great to know you're not alone when you're trying to get through 3 classes worth of FAs to mark and have to stay in school till 6+

I LOVE MY JOB. I don't know whether I'm going to be a teacher for sure- there are a lot of other factors, but I'm so glad that I've got the opportunity to figure this out. It's just such a lovely and warm environment with the prospect of being very fulfilling as well.

Sometimes our hearts weigh heavy with the combined mass of coins

Hello internet! Nothing's really changed with me but I'd thought I'd just update this site to make sure it's not entirely dead (did this sentence make sense? Nope? I thought so!) Anyhow, I still haven't got a job yet and I am beginning to feel the vestiges of uselessness creep up upon me. Or it could just be plain conscience... but either way spending some days just moping around the house is beginning to take its toll. Isn't it funny how the prospect of doing NOTHING seems much more alluring when you actually have SOMETHING to do? Like procrastination and playing mindless Steam (humble indie bundle) games seem much more appealing when you're in the middle of say, A'levels. Scumbag brain. But I'm probably not going to get a job. Now, before you rain your fists of judgment upon me for mooching off my parents for another couple of months, let me just explain my rationale:

1. I'd be working for the rest of my life. I probably won't get another long break like this to do absolutely anything I want, unless I get cruelly thrown out onto the pavement in the midst of unemployment.
2. Friends leaving soon- trying to catch up with them before they fly off to another country 12 time zones away and go for university. ):
3. YOLO, AMIRITE. 

Nope. In case you all haven't seen it you definitely should check out the Lonely Island's collab with Adam Levine (of Maroon 5 fame) for a pretty awesome interpretation of that infernal acronym. :D Speaking of 2. I am honestly pretty sad that tons of my lovely and most wonderful friends will be leaving for the States and the United Kingdom in a couple of months for university. It's not like I'm not happy for them- I do know that plenty of these awesome individuals are pursuing things they've wanted to do for a really long time, and have no doubt whatsoever that they will be good at it. But it's the crumbling and dissolving of these close circles of friends that I've gotten so used to- Whatsapping and hanging out; that makes me really depressed. I'm a sad whale. To be quite honest, I've never really had something of a "clique"- a regular group of friends I hung out with outside of school and in school, so the Windy Benches is pretty much my first. As a result, I've never really had problems with transitions- having a best friend and being pretty fluid with the various cliques in my class didn't make me feel out of my depth or wholly unfamiliar when we moved up to Junior College or graduated from even that. But right now... it's different. For the first time ever I'm beginning to understand why people hate change so much, and why we dread Graduation.

Change is inevitable. We have to grow up- there's no Neverland where we can remain the same people in the same clusters forever. This mostly makes me feel like tearing my heart out, nowadays, because I have grown quite attached to my friends. It's like post-production. I sort of just sat there, the morning after we awoke at the celebratory sleepover, watching the light flood in through the grilled window, wondering what the heck am I going to do with my life now? Obviously, I've been coping, but some days are harder than others. Even then, at least we were all still in the same country!

I'm not afraid, though. Experience has pretty much thought me that no matter how awkward I am in a new environment (namely a new school), things will work out eventually. It's just the idea of losing what I have now that really bothers me. In this way, Life is a pretty good teacher. It perpetually reminds you that all good things will eventually conclude and resolve themselves, which makes you have to savour the present, for it will not always be. It also teaches you to reconcile the idea of Loss and Flux, for you would be left behind otherwise. Throughout the last almost 19 years of my life I've begun to learn that Shit Happens. It's Murphy's Law- no matter how hard you try and avoid it, it will find you. All the time. But you must still try, it is difficult to live otherwise.

I will miss my lovely friends when they go overseas, but I will look fondly upon their return. University's an entirely new playing field, with many more different people. I'm looking forward to it, though, because I do enjoy a good adventure.

Note: The title of this post is from The Phoenix by Fall Out Boy, from their new album Save Rock & Roll. It's really good/badass, remember to check it out! 

Hello friends.

I'm blogging again because I've got nothing much to do these days and so much to say. I know I should attempt to be a productive member of society and go get a job to "fund my lifestyle" but the idea of slacking around for 3 more months just seems so enticing. I mean, when am I ever going to get to do something like this again. Though I am getting a little bit bored and bordering on the beginnings of an existential crisis... Ah well. Maybe I should join a class or something, it's been awhile since I went back to street jazz.

 I had an interview for the SMU School of Social Sciences recently. I don't know if it's a good idea to blog about your interview before the results are out- I mean, what if someone Googles me? That's probably just my paranoia though. The only reason I'm writing this post is because I've been getting a few questions by people on what it is and how it goes. So I'm going to do a generic sort of guidelines for the SMU SoCC interviews, though I've heard the format is pretty much the same for most, if not all, of their faculties.

Things To Do Before:

• PREPARE DOCUMENTS: You'll need your results slip from A'levels/IB, O'levels/IP Grades, CCA records, Testimonials, Mother Tongue Results, PW results- basically all the usual jazz. Make a neat photocopy of each and paperclip them together, if not place them in a plastic pocket. Because they'll be collecting them at the interview. If you don't they'll probably request that you photocopy somewhere in Bras Besah and then come back and give it to them following your interview. It doesn't matter if you've already submitted all your supporting documents, do this anyway! Besides, it's in the instruction email.
• THINK OF WHAT TO WEAR: At SMU, students are mostly required to dress in formal business attire when they attend lectures/seminars. I've had a sister of a friend revamp her entire wardrobe to fit the SMU attire requirements. If you've seen SMU kids lurking around in casual clothing it's probably because they don't have a class that day. Anyway, the point I'm making is that you too should dress in formal business attire for their interview- for any legit interview anyway. That doesn't mean jeans + button down shirt, that means dress pants/formal skirt and formal shirt. Basically something one wears to a corporate office. But that doesn't mean you have to stifle your sense of hipster style though, you can pick some interesting accessories or pieces to jazz it up a little bit. 
• GET DIRECTIONS: The SMU campus is actually fairly large, and is spread across two sides of a road near the Singapore Arts Museum/National Museum. It'll be a good idea to have a look at the SMU campus map on their site to see which building exactly you're supposed to be heading to. Or you might risk getting lost. Like I pretty much did, on the day I went to submit my documents. The last thing you might want is getting all sweaty and flustered before the interview.
• PLAN TO ARRIVE EARLY: Well, even if you do get the correct building you'd have to locate the visitor's entrance, the floor and the place you register. So plan to arrive at least 15 minutes before your reporting time to make allowances for Murphy's Law.